Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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