Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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