I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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