oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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