absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
