I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
