Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
