Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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