sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
