I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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