Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
