I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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