i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
