Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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