i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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