I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
