I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
