if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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