im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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