Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
