I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
