If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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