Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
being pregnant is like rehab
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
