Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
