he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
