Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
