Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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