Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
