Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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