Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
