I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
