had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
