I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
