I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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