Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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