How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
