since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You pole danced in your parka.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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