take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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