I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
