Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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