Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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