Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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