I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
