i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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