i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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