I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
