I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
