I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
