i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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