apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I need a beard to bite.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
